Today my husband EJ and I are celebrating twenty years of marriage.

TWENTY YEARS….AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(And for you grammar police out there, I will spell EJ without punctuation throughout this post. I know it’s wrong and I don’t care. The end.)

I barely recognize these babies that walked down the aisle at ages 12 and 13 (because there’s no way we’re in our mid-forties!).

It’s been an amazing journey. Until you’ve walked through marriage, it’s impossible to explain what it’s like.

But, I’ll give it a shot.

You know how awesome it was to have a sleepover with your best friend growing up? Marriage! A built-in sleepover with your best friend! Except there’s no live-in adult who cooks all of your meals and cleans your home and chauffeurs you wherever you need to go.

So not *exactly* like a sleepover with your best friend, but you get the point.

What have I learned in the twenty years I’ve been married? Here are a few random nuggets.

Wanting to be “alone” often times means I want to spend time alone with my husband. It doesn’t mean I want to truly be alone. Is that weird? Don’t worry, I spend plenty of time alone-alone or with friends. I don’t want this blog to make me sound co-dependent or at the very worst…clingy. EWWW!! I just love spending time with this wonderful man!

I’ve learned that my thoughts are not my own. My husband oddly knows what I’m talking about when my memory fails me (#often). For example, the other day my son was asking a “would you rather” question (these are common in our house) about volcanoes versus earthquakes. I looked at EJ and said, “what’s that one movie… ” and he interrupted with “Dantes Peak”. Not, Dantes Peak? But a solid, Dantes Peak without a thought he might be wrong. He was not wrong. It’s often handy but I’m convinced him being my personal Google has rendered my brain more or less mush.

I’ve learned that experiencing the worst pain a human being can experience is tolerable with your best friend by your side. Life happens. Life can suck the literal life out of you. When we went through a traumatic experience, he was strong when I was weak, I was strong when he was weak. What could have broken us, grew us in ways we never could have imagined.

My favorite part of the day is when my head hits the pillow at night. Seriously, there’s magic to the idea that once in my warm comfy bed I won’t have to think or do anything until the morning (sorry new mom’s, I feel your pain). My SECOND favorite part of the day is when my husband walks in the house after work. We all cheer. That’s not even a joke. Everything is better when he’s around. I’ve learned to look forward to seeing my husband, to want to spend time with him and be with him.

Love doesn’t mean having to love the hobbies your husband loves. For example, EJ’s favorite activities are downhill skiing and golfing. Golfing I’m good with – warm sun, cold beverages, the ability to pick up my ball and drop it by his monstrous tee shot and pretend mine didn’t go three feet.

But to me, downhill skiing is about as enticing as sticking my hand in a blender. I hate the cold and I hate feeling out of control. I’ve given skiing many attempts and have filled my ski goggles with enough tears and snot to know I will never love it. Or even like it. And that’s okay. Really, it is. We are still surviving as a happily married couple. And the idea of a ski vacation where I sit by a fireplace and read or write while he skis? Perfection. Compromise.

I’ve learned that the Enneagram is an amazing tool for married couples! EJ and I are very similar creatures, yet, very different creatures. Have you studied the Enneagram? I’m planning to do a blog post soon so stay tuned! EJ is a five on the Enneagram (the Investigator) and I’m a two (helper). Basically smarty pants and people-pleaser. He gets annoyed when I’m paralyzed by my people pleasing (if you missed my blog about it, you can read it here). I can be annoyed with him for knowing everything about everything (seriously, how does one person know so much?). But in the next breath, our differences complement us. My people-pleasing can look extroverted when he needs to be an introvert. And his intelligence helps our family to be well taken care of and healthy when I lack the basic knowledge of why carbs are bad. (I know they are, isn’t that enough?)

After twenty years of marriage, I’ve learned that love is a verb. It’s living, active, and grows over time. The core reasons I love my husband are the same today as they were on our wedding day, with a million additional reasons added on top. Love changes, evolves, grows, expands, widens, and deepens.

EJ is my best friend, my confidante, my resident jester, my pride, my joy. He has helped to mold me into the person I am today. We’ve grown as a couple and as parents, hand-in-hand, for better or for worse.

It’s true what they say, time flies when you’re having fun! And boy, we’ve had a lot of fun over the years. Our definition of fun has definitely had to be adjusted since our wedding day, but in a good way. #kids

If I could give one piece of advice to married couples who are a few years behind us in the journey, it would be to make time for each other. In this world of constant distractions, it’s easy to put your marriage on the back burner. Don’t.

Kids happen, activities happen, jobs happen…I get it. But someday the kids will move out, the activities will stop and the job will end. Make sure you walk together with your spouse through the busyness so you can come out stronger when “someday” gets here. Because it will get here. Sooner than you think.

Carve out the time. Don’t neglect your relationship. Have the date night…over and over and over. Babysitters are one of the best investments you can make when your kiddos are young. (I have a teenager who loves to babysit if you need one!)

Love is a verb…so act on it.

And now I’m climbing down off of my soapbox (twenty years ago I would have lept off of the soapbox, sigh.)

This has turned into a love letter to my husband, but I don’t apologize for that. To my darling EJ (don’t worry, I’d never call him darling to his face…if I did, we’d both die laughing out of grossness), thank you for being my person. You have loved me unconditionally for twenty-plus years, even when I was less than deserving. You make me laugh, you make me happy, you get me (and that’s not easy, I’m not super gettable…sorry about that word Mr. Webster). You know how to pick me up when I fall and hold me when I feel weak. I thank God for you each and every day.

Twenty years is just the beginning of our journey together. I can’t wait to see what the next twenty have in store for us! I love you!

Until Next Time,

Neko